An Unfortunate Submission
by ari-kun2500
Summary: In the aftermath of V-day, Eggsy deals poorly with the emotional repercussions of Harrys' death and his own submissive nature.


**A/N: hello everyone, and welcome! This is my first Kingsman story and the first story in a long time that I have written really. It's not really a whole story though it's a chapter of a potential story that I've thought about writing but wasn't really sure about. So I've decided to post this chapter in order to see what type of reception it will get and whether others will find it as interesting as I hope it to be if I do decide to continue. If it's not well received well this first chapter could kind of be a standalone work even if I don't decide to continue.**

 **This chapter is set in the time frame where Eggsy has just taken down Valentine, and Harry has died, and deals with his emotional response in the aftermath. It's based on a society where one is either biologically a Dom or a sub. Like modern society males are usually Doms and females are Subs. although there are cases where it doesn't always work out this way, such as a males being subs or a females being alphas, society sees these individuals as genetic anomalies and treat them poorly. This chapter doesn't delve into that but includes Dom/Sub dynamics where Eggsy, who is a sub, experiences a trauma induced drop and deals with it inappropriately. Also there is a slight mention of past abuse I believe but nothing graphic. Uhmmm I think I've covered everything that could be a trigger or that one could possibly need to know in order to understand this Ch. without having previous knowledge of my created world. If not, I apologize for that as well as any mistakes there might be in this story! I have no beta and proofed it myself and if anyone brings a mistake to my attention I will do my best to fix any errors anyone notes. Aside from that sorry for the long A/N and I hope you guys enjoy the story! Thank you for reading! :)**

 **Disclaimer: unfortunately I don't own Kinsman nor Eggsy which is really shame let me tell you.**

He was dropping. Sure, it'd been awhile since he'd last gone under but he could still vividly remember the way a drop felt. How his heart rate would accelerate and everything would begin to feel heavier. And almost as if he was having a panic attack his head would begin to get fuzzy and his palms would start to sweat. It was like having an out of body experience where he physically checked out but still retained enough mental cognizance to know he was dropping. It was horrible.

He'd once heard other subs talking about their drops and it had baffled him that they were so different. The other subs had spoken about feelings of warmth and security and wanting to stay down wherever it was that subs went to when they dropped but Eggsy had been confused. How could subs like being dropped? It was painful. It felt more like his heart was trying to claw itself out of his body and his hormones were running haywire making a mess of his mind and body, leaving them a chaos of emotions and instinct that stripped away his autonomy, rather than the gift of the gods subs proclaimed it to be. He hated it.

He always came out of it mind jumbled and foggy and his body aching. There was never any sense of warmth or security. Instead he was always left cold and feeling so hollow after one of his drops. On top of that his emotions were always volatile afterwards swinging turbulently from angry to miserable in a matter of seconds. It always took him days before he felt anything close to normal and in control of himself enough to face Dean and his goons and be able to maintain his dominant facade. On those days he'd hide away at one of his friends' houses under the guise of the flu but mostly he would go it alone locked up in his room body hidden under the covers as he tried to get some semblance of warmth into his shaking achy body. Feeling more like a junkie who was going through withdrawal and in need of a fix, or a sub who was in need of a Dom in order to balance himself out.

Once, when he'd been younger and not as careful in hiding his drops from everyone, Dean had taken one look at him and sneered those exact same words to him. It had angered and shamed him to realize in the privacy of his room as his stared at himself in the mirror just how accurately that phrase had portrayed how he'd felt in those moments; his body and mind desiring something he wasn't sure he wanted, yet needed.

He'd been ashamed.

Of course It wasn't the first, nor the last, time that he'd come to regret his submissive nature. But it was the first time he could ever really remember being so acutely ashamed of his biology. Of that part of himself that he couldn't control. It hadn't helped that his mother at the time had done nothing to curb that embarrassment or any of those feelings.

It'd been one of his first drops. Since subs didn't usually start to drop until they reached puberty Eggsy had rarely experienced something of the like before. He'd come out of the drop feeling crappy and scared and in need of comfort and had been looking for his mother when he had encountered Dean. Usually she would hold him after and although she couldn't do much to soothe the ache being a sub herself it had always left him feeling a little bit better knowing his mother was there.

But this time had been different.

Instead of the soft look shed send his way whenever something happened she'd looked half out of her mind with whatever drugs Dean had supplied her with that day and had leveled a disappointed look that through past experience Eggsy had come to associate with her being disappointed at the slip in his dominant façade. And in this instance that he'd associated with her being disappointed in him and who he was at his biological core. It'd hurt. He'd always known that his parents wished he weren't a sub because it would make life easier for him but he'd always believed that they loved him and weren't disappointed in him for his biology. He'd had to.

This was the first time he'd doubted that. He'd tried to convince himself that it was just the drugs, and that he'd get over it, but had realized that although the embarrassment at hearing those words from Dean had faded over time that the hurt of his mother's actions hadn't. And it had put a strain between them where Eggsy no longer felt certain in his mother's acceptance and Michelle couldn't remember what she'd done to warrant his distance. Not that she was ever sober enough to fully care.

But aside from a few incidences when he was younger surprise drops had rarely ever happened anymore as he'd learned to curb it somewhat over the years in order to deter Deans' suspicions.

But even the few times it did happen were annoying and painful as fuck. Nothing sweet or perfect about it. So the fact that the subs he'd heard talking and the books and movies he'd seen had spoken about dropping like it was something special had led him to believe that maybe his painful drops were just a personal defect and life's way of continuously pounding it into him that he'd never make a good sub. After all he couldn't even experience one of the most instinctive and fundamental aspects of being a sub properly. What kind of Dom would want _him_? The fucked up sub with the fucked up past who couldn't be a proper sub even if he wanted to be.

A soft sound filled the room and he realized it was coming from him. Damn, this drop was coming on fast. It had usually taken a little bit more time before he was a messy ball of uncontrollable emotions.

Fuck. What was he going to do? He wasn't prepared for a drop! Although this was kind of expected though if he had to be honest. The few drops that he wasn't able to work himself through usually occurred when he was under intense emotional or physical strains. And he'd been under both from the day he started training at Kingsman all those months ago. He'd almost dropped plenty of times during the course of his training but had managed to stave it off. So he'd been expecting this but hadn't prepared for it to be as intense or sudden as it was.

He could already feel the itching under his skin and the cold feeling that he usually associated with a drop setting in. pretty soon his body would begin to shut down and he'd be pretty much done for until he could regain enough consciousness and strength to move himself.

Fucking Harry Hart. This was all his fault, the sobs were growing louder in the quiet space, all his fucking fault. His and Merlins.

He'd been doing fine. He'd killed Valentine, saved the world and the lives of countless persons. He'd done what no one else had and had proven to himself and everyone who'd doubted him that he could do something great. Be something great. And he'd done it with a fucking hole in his chest.

Watching Harry die and knowing that his last words to his mentor, and the man he'd grown to love, were so full of anger and bitterness, had nearly destroyed him. It'd hurt. And acknowledging that he'd never get see Harry again or get the chance to tell him how important he was to him, had nearly caused him to drop then and there. The only thing that had kept him afloat and tethered to reality had been the blinding rage and hate for Valentine that had eclipsed all other emotions and allowed him to complete the mission and get revenge on the man who'd killed Harry.

So when Merlin had suddenly announced at their post V-day Kingsman meeting that Harry had miraculously survived getting shot in the head and was currently upstairs in critical surgery, Eggsy poor heart had gone through a range of emotions varying from surprise to doubt then hope and finally the relief that had brought tears to his eyes. Looking at Merlin, through blurry eyes, all he had wanted to do was throw himself into the scots arm and take comfort in the strong embrace as he had earlier but the part of himself that was always on constant vigilance hadn't let him. Instead he'd pushed away noisily from where he had been sitting, his chair toppling backwards ,and to the ground , loudly enough to draw the attention of the entire table as he had choked out some excuse or the other and all but ran from the room.

He hadn't stayed to see if Harry had made it through surgery, and he knew he would regret that later when he could think properly, but he'd had to get away.

He hadn't bothered looking back. If he'd only stayed a moment longer he would have noticed the concerned looks that he was getting from the other Kingsman agents and how Merlin and Roxy had exchanged looks before she was getting up and following him. But he hadn't and had instead ran to the nearest room where he'd locked himself in and proceeded to break down.

And fuck was he losing it. He ran a shaky hand through damp hair while drawing his body closer to his chest a delirious laugh/choke/sob forcing its way out of his hyperventilating throat.

Harry was alive.

And he couldn't breathe

He gasped out another laugh his vision beginning to blur. Leave it to fucking Harry Hart to once again turn his world upside down and not even be awake for the half of it.

He was gasping now, small breaths of air catching in his throat, as he tried, but failed, to draw in enough oxygen the spots behind his eye grew darker .He was going to pass out any minute now and he'd welcome it. Welcome the fading of reality as he sunk into the darkness and slipped into unconsciousness. He waited for it hopefully and almost expectantly.

What he didn't expect was the warmth that came. It was gone as soon as it came but the spot where he'd been touched still burned. That was odd? He'd never felt warm before this far into a drop. Usually he was trembling by now, body unable to generate enough heat as it slowly shut down. So what had that been? From beside him there was suddenly a light movement and he could hear a voice speaking to him but it was muffled as if the communication was fuzzy. One word filtered through' "Eg-y". Someone was calling him. Why? He wondered. What could they possibly want?... couldn't they see he was falling apart? As it was he just wanted to sink into oblivion and forget reality for a bit. Was that too much to ask for? He didn't think it was. He certainly thought he deserved it after the hell of a day, month, year(s) he'd had. But instead of being left alone he could suddenly feel himself being lifted up and into someone's arms. He wanted to protest but -oh.

The warmth was back….

It was nice.

A past conversation filtered into his muddled thoughts and brought up questions. Huh. Was this the warmth that subs spoke about when they were put under? He subconsciously found himself moving closer to the source of the warmth a soft whimper being drawn unwittingly from his mouth. If he'd had half his mind at the moment he would have died at the submissive sound he'd just emitted but as it was he was too far gone to closely monitor his behavior and frankly didn't really care to at the moment. He was a ball of emotions and instincts. And those instinct were telling him to seek out comfort. And as he'd said to himself he deserved something good, so he kept turning his body even more, head moving to press against a smooth neck, in order to get closer to the warmth when he suddenly came across the most pleasant smell.

 _Oh._

It reminded him of the spicy warm drinks his mother used to serve to him and his father on cold nights in the estates. It had been his father's favorite drink and by default had becomes Eggsy as well. When his father had died his mother had stopped making it but Eggsy only had fond memories associated with the smell that always brought to mind warmth, safety and love, and to have it so close brought a feeling of warmth bubbling into his chest. He took a deep inhale as he smothered his face into the spicy warmth. Oh, that was even nicer. He could definitely get used to this. A sound suspiciously like a laugh echoed in his ears and he was almost certain he'd murmured that out loud. But still couldn't find it in himself to care.

Instead he pressed his face closer still and something about the smell tugged at a different memory. He was almost certain he knew the owner of this smell and if he tried that he could recognize it but the urge to bury himself deeper overwhelmed any logical thought process he might have had and he found himself doing just that. Somewhere in the back of his mind he dimly realized that he wasn't struggling to breathe anymore and that his heart wasn't pounding quite so loud in his ears although the urge to fade into unconsciousness was still there. But it wasn't a pressing as it had been before and he found himself floating somewhere between unconsciousness and the need to press closer to body holding him.

It was a nice place.

The closest he'd ever been to the real subspace that he'd heard about and he didn't want to leave. Soft murmurs filled his ears and Eggsy let the undecipherable noise combined with the warmth and the smell soothe him. He didn't know how much time had passed but he knew it wasn't nearly enough when he felt the warmth slowly start to move away as he was settled against something cool. A sharp whine of protest made its way out of his mouth and he could feel a telltale sting begin to build behind his eyes as he grabbed onto the retreating warmth multiple thoughts running though his head.

Why were they leaving him? Had he done something wrong? Maybe he'd been too clingy? Doms didn't like clingy subs… but the one question that was constantly filtering through his head was the one he had always pretended not to care about. A question he'd been asking himself for as long as he could remember. 'Wasn't he good enough?' But he already knew the answer to that though,

and it pulled another sound from his throat as the tears he'd been fighting finally fell,

He was never good enough.

If he had been, his parents wouldn't have forced him to hide his true self away for most of his life and he wouldn't live in a society that hated the thought of someone like himself existing and he wouldn't constantly be left behind by the people he cared about. After all his father had left him and for a long time afterward his mother had followed. Then Matthew, the first Dom who'd ever broken his heart, had left him and ever since he'd met Harry the man had been constantly walking away from him the straight line of his back burned into Eggsys' memory and his heart. So why would this person be any different? Why should he expect any different? Hadn't he told himself that people like him rarely got what they wanted anyways and that he should stop hoping? So why did he keep setting himself up so high only to come crashing down so hard. every. single. time. You think he'd have learned his lesson by now.

But apparently not.

He was so lost in thought that when he suddenly found himself being wrapped up once again in the soothing warmth that he couldn't help the shocked gasp he let out. Then large hands were cradling his face calloused finger brushing away his tears comfortingly. And oh, _they hadn't left him_! A giddy sort of warmth filled him at the thought. _They wanted him!_ The warmth spread to his chest and more tears filled his eyes. _He was wanted_. He'd never been wanted before...

It was nice.

He could feel the previous tension that he'd been carrying slip from his shoulder as he grabbed onto the body holding him and pressed himself into it. _They wanted him_. He could feel himself getting sleepy as hands continued to pet him and whisper to him. _They really wanted him._ he couldn't help the way the thought kept creeping into his head happily and if he weren't so exhausted he might have giggled stupidly every time. But as it was he could feel the small tired smile that was fighting to stay on his lips and knew that the person holding him could see it as their fingers kept brushing the edges of his mouth as they traced over his upturned lips. With a content sigh that sent his breath ghosting over warm fingers , he sunk further into the embrace, and that giddy warmth was filling him again, and would have fallen asleep content within the others arms if not for the fear of being let go again.

And abruptly the feelings of comfort he'd been basking in just moments ago were rapidly fading away only to be replaced by panic as one thought kept urgently pressing up against the content haze he'd been floating in. He needed to make them promise. Promise they wouldn't try to leave him, _too,_ again. And although his head felt heavy and his mouth was drier than cotton and he doubts he was even speaking in anything remotely resembling human language he must have gotten his point across because suddenly the Dom, who was still holding his face and patiently waiting for him to open his aching eyes,

 _And Oh. He blinks_

Because Merlin,

- _What a nice surprise. I thought you smelled familiar-_

is gazing at him earnestly and promising quite seriously, as if he knew how much it meant to Eggsy, that he wouldn't leave him. And that is all that Eggsy needs before he slowly allows himself to drift into unconsciousness, all sense of panic calmed, because after all its Merlin and he trust him implicitly. If he says he won't go, he won't. And that's all there is to it.

 **A/N: hello everyone, I just want to say thank you for reading! It means a lot to me and I hope you enjoyed it! If you can, please leave review or a fave or something as a means of indicating how much you liked or did not like this story and whether you would want to read more. Once again I wanna say that I think I've covered everything one could possibly need to know in order to understand this Ch. without having previous knowledge of my created world. If not, I apologize! and will do my best to fix any errors anyone notes. Aside from that I hope you guys enjoyed the story! Thank you again for reading! :)**


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